crinkled paper and orange juice

“What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -it's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies."
-Jack Kerouac

It is a bittersweet feeling when you leave those you love. But you rationalize it. Going to college, here is my adventure: friends. classes. life. love. i'm leaving the ones i love for the next step. its different yet similiar feeling, not necessarily worse, when you're the one that is stationary.
A little over exactly one year ago my wonderful Heavenly Father looked at me and thought. This girl needs some help. His incessant shouting of "hey girl, hey, hey girl, hey." was obviously not sinking in. So He sent me an angel in the form of a short girl with a big personality to compensate.

One of my first memories of my best friend took place my second semester at Utah State University. I was sitting outside old main on a wood-slabbed bench. The weather was a beautiful bitter cold unmatched by any place outside of Logan. I was rummaging through my ninja turtle back pack and as Hayley walked by i heard a, "hey, cool back pack." i replied back with a thanks.

little did i know this girl was going to be one of the best and truest friends i would ever meet. People often tell me, you usually hate people who are too similiar to yourself. That my friend, is not always the case. Because in this past year i have found my clone in Hayley. Perhaps i am incredibly narcissistic (which very well could be the case) and i love myself so much that i welcome a fellow me with ease, but one thing i do know, i am a much better person for knowing this clone of myself.

Now Hayley doesn't need another "Ode" of sorts. I believe the Blaker has that one covered. Instead, i'm going to focus on me, because i'm a narcissist with apparently too little to write about. I am standing here stationary, while my other half goes on a great adventure to Germany for a year and a half to bring truth and light into the lives of those in doitchland. And i'm frustrated. and ecstatic. Happy. yet full of sorrow. It is hard because one person i have depended so much on is no longer there to be my support. Heavenly Father brought her into my life to build me up but now is giving me the opportunity to stand on my own chuck t's and IT IS HARD. already, though she has not left, it is hard.

in the last General Conference (i'm stealing this from you Hayley)--if you are not mormon General Conference is like the Grammy's for Mormon's where a bunch of incredibly wise and divinely inspired men instruct us and give us inspired counsel--one talk that was prominent was by sister Elaine S. Dalton. A main topic of her talk was this: I CAN DO HARD THINGS. Heavenly Father can be pretty obvious at times. I feel so weak and so small. I'm working so much going to school so much and at the same time i'm attempting a pre-medical major. to some this could be nothing, but it is my mountain and the altitude is high. I can't breathe sometimes. And i am weak. I am small. But my Heavenly Father has made it clear to me that I can do these things.

Although I feel i'm stationary, i'm not. I feel sorrowful for the absence of my HSML, best friend, and cocaine. But at the same time I know that this opportunity for loneliness is what is best for me. More than that, I know that God has a plan for me and has given me the understanding I need to be a light for myself.

OUR GREATEST FEAR IS NOT THAT WE ARE INADEQUATE. OUR GREATEST FEAR IS THAT WE ARE POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE...AND AS WE LET OUR OWN LIGHT SHINE, WE CONCSIOUSLY GIVE OTHER PEOPLE PERMISSION TO DO THE SAME. AS WE ARE LIBERATED FROM OUR FEAR,

OUR PRESENCE AUTOMATICALLY LIBERATES OTHERS.

Hayley, thank you for being my example. my best friend. and for liberating me through letting your light and goodness shine. Although we are so much a like i owe you more than i could ever make even with what i'd make as a doctor. thank you for allowing our Father to use you as a tool to improve my life. thank you for your preparation.
You are and will always be my sister and my best friend i love you and i'm so proud of you.
Good Luck in Germany girl!

i don't appreciate when your hate affects my study time.

This past week I've taken on a new challenge: studying. For those who are close to me, you know that for me, studying is reading the material the night before the test. Up to this point in my collegiate career i have found this method of learning suitable to my interests which, sadly and unfortunately, have been little. The best example of my study habits resulted last semester when two things happened, one good one bad. I discovered the beautiful sport of snowboarding. It altered my views regarding God, Nature, and my own physical being. However it also resulted in about 60% class attendance and more all nighters than any college student should attempt. The result: All A's and a B+.
Some of you may say, "wow you're a smart girl." My rebuttle: No, I'm an innately "lazyish" girl who up until this point in her life has taken the paved road equipped with a free motorized bicycle. Did i mention this road is pretty short.
One short note: i say lazyish because if i really want to work for something i will make it happen. I have it in me, as i believe all people do, to be an incredibly hard worker.
Not all bad things came out of this short aside, i did improve my writing skills and i had the opportunity to receive tips for studying effectively. Not that i used them till now, but nonetheless they are there.

So now that you know all this about me, you will understand my utter frustration caused by the events on the campus this week.

Obviously it's the beginning of the semester and there is going to be activities going on. I can study semi-well in environments with background noise, but this week as i tried to study an evangelist preachers shouts overpowered the process of aerobic respiration resulting in 36 ATP.
I'm all for sharing beliefs with others. In fact i totally encourage it. The free flow of ideas and concepts is what makes America, well, America. But I do not know how any one can concentrate on the good and happiness in the world while someone screams of eternal hellfire and damnation. it is distracting and irritating. Of all things I know about God (which is little) I know that He is love. Pure and lasting love. I'm pretty sure that no matter what we do, he will give us as many opportunities as possible to find happiness and truth.
So you may think i'm a damn hippie and ya know thats okay, but at the same time i believe in a more existentialist approach. While i do believe our creator is our guide and the reason for our existence, i think that it is up to us to be happy. Call it karma, call it agency, call it whatever you like, but this is true: Good people tend to be happy. Good people who do good things are happy. Bad things happen to good people, but i think it is the ability to continue in goodness or righteousness or selflessness that truly connects us with Diety.



I guess the taking the road paved complete with the electric bicycle is easier. Sometimes its hard to share beliefs with people when you are on the same level as them. but when there is no chance for reciprocation or even legitimate rebuttal, i suppose its quite easy. I guess i'm not the only person who likes to hear them self talk. it's easy to live your life just getting by...but i s'pose the road less traveled by is where i have found meaning and understanding. So please, don't hate. Appreciate. All you need is love. And i am a scientist.

reflections on a premature thought process.

This semester I'm studying Shakespeare in one of my English classes. Oh how we all love Shakespeare and his beautiful work,how he revolutionized English Literature, his major contribution of... wanna know the only hard evidence he left behind? A certificate of birth and court orders against him for violence and tax evasion. I'm not saying that I agree with the cynics who claim that Shakespeare didn't write what he claimed; i'm actually pondering the question of when you die, what will you leave behind? What will be the hard evidence against (or for) your cause?

For Shakespeare, the records he left behind do not paint a picture of the romantic, brilliant, intelligent man we get from his plays. He seems more like an arrogant rich kid without direction. So far the only records I have to my name are a birth certificate, a high school diploma, and a speeding ticket. Due to modern technology and what not there could be more information if someone were to look for it. I guess that's awfully presumptuous to believe that one day someone will actually think enough about me to study my life. Perhaps I will do great things and be a great mom, friend, sister, or even just person. However, it seems like quite an easy thing for people to fall into the category of "sucking at life" and i hope that i won't fail myself and the people who look to me for support. So in short I guess you must ask yourself:

"To be or not to be?"

13.1 to clarity

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

I often find myself getting stuck in the common mindset, limiting myself based on social standards. This past week i've had time to reflect on my thought process because of the many experiences i've had which include: watching the olympics (Go Misty Mae-Treanor and Kerri Walsh!), visiting family & friends, enjoying the beautiful outdoors that is Utah, and running in the Top of Utah half marathon!!!
Around April I was sitting on my couch and thought to myself, "hey i wanna run a half marathon." The next day I emailed one of my closest life-long friends Lindsey and we planned a training schedule. I'm gonna be honest, I have never been a runner. In fact, I hated running. But i really wanted to accomplish this task. I've always been a determined person, but in the past my determination stemmed from something less noteworthy. For some reason I've always felt the need to prove myself. To whom, I'm not entirely sure, but after talking with my best friend Hayley, it could be attributed to the fact that i am the youngest child. However, the experience of training for this marathon totally changed my perspective and perhaps even created a new driving force in my life.

After a few weeks of training I realized just how amazing the sport of running is. I can't even begin to relate how this sport has changed my views. It is such a personal sport and you get exactly what you put into it. As I was running my marathon I had approximately 2 hours and 40 minutes of "me" time. I contemplated life's worries and wonders as i experienced the cool canyon air and crisp smell of pine while my ipod mixed with the dull thud of approximately 2,000 runners played in the background. I kept reminding myself, mind over body, mind over body. I pushed myself so hard and I never stopped running (really jogging cuz i'm slow) till i crossed the finish line. It was amazing. This goal that I set might have been initially set so i could say, "hey i ran a half marathon," but as i crossed the finish line, it was all me. I crossed at around 2 hours and 40 minutes into a huge crowd cheering me on and my best bud lindsey who finished about 20 minutes faster coming out to meet me. The feeling of finishing was indescribable until the first wave of nausea swept over me...

In short, I accomplished something that 6 months ago i never would have dreamed of doing. It's all about mind over body. I am fabulous. Gorgeous. & Talented. Just like life, we have our passions, but it's mind over body that direct our passions. I don't know if my accomplishing this goal will liberate others, but this experience made me reflect on the people in my life who liberate me which i will talk about in future blogs.

My very first blog

I would like to pretend that i'm a girl that has something to say. I may not have to pretend that i have something to say, but perhaps i just have to pretend that what i am saying is worth writing. In Caesars time they actually listened to the poets. The poets were wise people. Now, writing is more critically viewed. Maybe it's because the people have gotten smarter...or the poets just became stupider (word?).
What i have to say may be unappealing to many, but i'll write because i love to do it. It is my passion, a driving force in my life. People may think it is a waste of time, and perhaps it is; however, i look at this passionless world of people just living to breathe and i can honestly say i have one up on the average joe in his average world and average job. I have passions and i think that is what separates me from most of the world.

So i'll write about my life. My opinions. My job. and pretty much anything else i can think to share. Keep you up to date with the life and times of a girl called JP.